Q: What is the last thing a drummer ever says to his band? A: "Hey guys... how 'bout we try one of my songs?

Chris Mars co-founded the Replacements when he was seventeen-years-old, and spent the next ten years pounding his drumset behind a band which produced some of the most influential sounds of the l980's. The Replacements made eight records and became one of the very few underground acts of the era to make it onto a major label. Chris wrote music throughout his tenure with the Replacements, co-authoring some of the songs responsible with launching the band's reputation.

Q: What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend? A: Homeless

In l991 Mars became the first Replacement to go solo when he signed a real big deal with Smash. He made Horseshoes and Handgrenades in l992, and 75% Less Fat the following year -- writing, performing (with the exception of a few guest musicians), and producing every song on the albums. Mars parted company with Smash for artistic reasons in late l993, leaving him temporarily without a record label. He spent his time away from recording, painting, sculpting, and showing his works at two Los Angeles art galleries.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

In l994, Chris signed on with Bar/None. Chris wrote his own contract (three pages long, opposed to the thirty pager he signed at Smash), in which the East Coast company agreed to buy him a $20,000 in-home, sixteen-track digital studio -- effectively handing the former Replacement total artistic freedom. So while Bar None sweated over the wisdom of their investment, Chris tried to figure out how to plug the damn thing in. In the coming months Chris would perform, produce, engineer, mix, and master the record on his own. Mars says the best part of the deal was that he would never again have to worry about paying studio time or putting recordings on hold. "In a way it was frustrating to deal with the technical stuff, because sometimes I just wanted to play," he says. "Otherwise it was great. There was no one to argue with. I could put the mic where ever I wanted. In the studio there's always the clock, money's always ticking away. It was a good trade to takeover the technical stuff and give-up worrying about time."

Q: Hear the one about the drummer who graduated from high school? A: Me either.

"At first I understood what the volume knobs did and how to EQ the bass and treble. But beyond that it was a whole new ballgame," says Mars, who made up to five calls a day to music shop techies for help. That Chris had real freedom over his recording is obvious in the sheer diversity of styles and sounds on his first Bar/None release, Tenterhooks. 70's disco, jazz, "meat and potatoes rock", symphonic overture, "quazi 60's style punk," ballad, and rap sit side by side on this very eclectic pop album.

Johnny says to his mom, "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." Mom says, "But Johnny, you can't do both."

Did you hear the one about the guitarist who locked his keys in the car on the way to a gig? It took him two hours to get the drummer out.

On White Paddy Rap, Mars pokes fun at white musicians who imitate rap music and other Black music forms, to "make the music safe for white kids in the suburbs." Yo everybody say check/ Gosh darn it's naughty as heck/ White paddy rap is real keen/ Pat Boone is back in the scene/ 10-4 the cops are my pals/ You kids be nice or I'll tell/ Jeepers and fiddlesticks too/ White paddy rap is darn cool.

On Water Biscuits, Chris rips Middle America to a pounding disco beat. "If you're different I will stare/ I'm a fool for Tupperware/ I'm a fuzzy luke warm Fanny Farmer bank art square."

Q: What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians? A: A drummer.

Once Mars "got over the technical hump" the recording gear became one of many new instruments for Mars to experiment with. Kettle drums, bells, strings, effected guitars, and ambient sounds such as barking dogs, a koo-koo clock, the neighbor's lawn mower, and the clicking of Mars' furnace appear throughout the album. "If you listen really close," says Mars, "you can even hear a cat's fart." Chris is joined on Tenterhooks by computer repairmen Chuck Whitney (lead guitar on three songs), and ad writer Doug deGrood (trumpet on New Day).

Q: What does the average drummer get on an IQ test? A: Drool

Q: How can you tell when a stage riser is level? A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Take a talented musician, let him screw around for months with state of the art equipment, and the results could possibly be disastrous. Bar/None gave Chris Mars enough rope to hang himself and ended up on Tenterhooks.

With this album Chris launches himself as a popular songmaker, proving that one man alone can make a darn-fine album and never leave the house.

GRATUITOUS DRUMMER JOKES (From the collection of Chris Mars) Please send Bar/None your favorite drummer jokes to add to Chris' collection.